Commies!

What a relief! We do not have a fascist government!

Oh sure, all the racism and disdain for civil rights might look like fascism, but it turns out the current regime is something else.

We now have a communist government.

Yes, Republicans have become commies. (I wanted to say they’ve become commie-cal, but it’s a terrible pun and it has “Cal” in it and we know the president hates California.)

Don’t scoff. The evidence is in plain sight and it has nothing to do with hanging out with Vladimir Putin.

Remember when Republicans used to talk about privatizing services and declining to pick economic winners?

Not anymore. We now have publicizing and winner-picking.

President Donald Trump recently announced the government is taking a 10% stake in Intel. Other chipmakers are paying tribute to sell overseas. The Olympics and the Kennedy Center have been acquired. He even acquired a train station last week to, I guess, be able to play with the choo-choos.

The true meaning of red states has been revealed.

Make of that what you will.

In the meantime, let’s consider what other businesses the Trump government should get into.

The first one is obvious: McDonald’s. The president needs to be fed.

Not only will this save the government money on catering for athletic team events, but it will also provide government jobs for the type of highly qualified individuals loyal to the Trump administration.

Higher education is ripe for government takeover. Why mess around with fines and grant withholding when you can simply take over the entire curriculum?

New government-approved courses could include: History of a Slovenian Woman — the Proper Role of Immigration in America, the Slavery Myth, Creative Bankruptcy, Trolling 101, and Science Schmience.

All real estate should be at least partially owned by the Trump government. As a result, no rules whatsoever will apply to them.

Freedom!

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

More funding. If nothing else, you have to give credit to the Trump administration for adhering to a clear vision — money matters.

The president last week signed an executive order barring cashless bail in the District of Columbia and threatened to cut funding to jurisdictions that allow cashless bail.

Only successful criminals should be allowed to walk free. If you can’t make enough money doing crime, you don’t belong in society.

If you can pay the government, you go free.

Note to prosecutors: When requesting a bail amount for a defendant, include the price for a presidential pardon.

One-stop shopping is convenient.