New nominees

Over the years I’ve been incredibly bad at political predictions. Just one example: I thought Ronald Reagan had absolutely no chance of ever becoming president.

Will this stop me from announcing new political guesses?

Ha!

Not a chance.

My new prophecy that I’m definitely sure of is that some, if not all, of incoming President Trump’s appointees won’t get approved. That means we’ll need replacements. Here are my predictions of who some of the subs will be (assuming the current nominees haven’t already been approved by the time you read this):

Secretary of Defense: This is a post that requires a telegenic Fox News alcoholic. The problem here is that we don’t know for certain which Fox hosts are alcoholics. Perhaps all of them?

Jeanine Pirro seems like a good choice but she may look like that naturally. My prediction is Rachel Campos-Duffy, a Real World alum forced to hang out with the current nominee.

(Side note: Have you ever noticed that most of the people who rant about DEI and insist on hiring based on merit — “meritocracy” — seem to be people you’d never hire based on merit? We seem to have a classic example in the Hegseth hearing.)

Medicare and Medicaid: If Dr. Oz isn’t available, there’s Dr. Phil. It’s a no-brainer. Do you ever wonder if Oprah regrets some of the choices she’s made in life?

Director of National Intelligence. Is there national intelligence? It’s an open question.

If Tulsi Gabbard can’t find intelligence, the next choice is Gal Godot. Fire up your search engines and check out their images. They’re sisters!

The criteria here are military experience and looking good on camera. You can’t not confirm Wonder Woman.

Education Secretary. You want a candidate here capable of destroying the Department of Education. Linda McMahon, the current nominee, was chief executive of World Wrestling Entertainment, a company not without scandal.

A replacement would require a background in wrestling and education.

There is a perfect choice: Andre Chase.

I realize most of you reading this have no idea who that is. Allow me to enlighten you.

Andre Chase is the founder and former dean of Chase University, an institution that was destroyed because Chase recklessly put its fate on the line in a wrestling match that he lost.

Can you think of a better metaphor?

For more detail, see the Wikipedia entry for Chase University. My favorite part is the notice from the site: “This article may contain excessive amount of intricate detail that may interest only a particular audience.”

Yet another metaphor for politics.

FBI Director. The current nominee, Kash Patel, is one of the president’s most controversial choices because he reportedly wants to fire the leadership of the FBI for harassing conservatives despite a long-time agency tradition of harassing leftists.

Should Patel not be confirmed, the obvious replacement is Joaquin Guzman, aka El Chapo. He also would have no problem firing FBI leaders and, like many of the new president’s top supporters, he has access to large sums of money.

Yes, the man is currently in prison, but this is what pardons are for.

One more prediction. Taking a cue from Russia, China, Iran and probably lots of other fun countries, the Trump administration will create a Department of Trolling.

This will be the country’s most effective, and possibly last, governmental agency.